7 months ago, i was not being treated for depression. i was in a rather low period, listless, and i got upset all the time- usually over nothing, or something-depending on how you look at it.
now, i have been on an anti-depressant med since my birthday. the first week was pretty bad, i had trouble sleeping, concentrating and eating. that has all passed. i function pretty well, i still have bad days, but those days aren't as bad as they used to be and i feel what i guess is supposed to be normal. i am not too sure what 'normal' is supposed to feel like, as i have never really had that, but this is what i think it is. does that even make sense?
anyway, the only real side effect that i miss from my depression is my writing. i have the most difficult time writing like i used too. dont get me wrong, emotionally i feel better, i dont cry at the stupid shit. but i dont also feel like i used too.
i cry at funerals. i cry at sad movies, i cry at appropiate times. i laugh at jokes and funny things and with my friends. i am content at the inbetween and get annoyed at the annoying and feel joy at the joyful.
but i can't write. not like i used to. and i miss it. i am not sure that this is the effect of the meds or that i am actually better, out of the low. my mind still races through thoughts that have nothing to do with the moment at hand until i have to. its really hard to explain, but it goes something like this:
at a traffic light while driving and stop the car
waiting for light
want a nap, want to cuddle, but there is no one at home to cuddle with
i love coffee
Bean tells funny jokes
His sister is super pretty for a baby
what would happen if the road was struck by lightening
light is still red
i have to go the doctor for something or other
i havent talked to crystal in months
i wonder if the finance database cannot read the all overpayment recovery functions
light is green-go.
i know that doesn't make sense. it makes me sound crazy. even as i write this, i looked to the right and see a book that i say to myself "i want to read that". i am completely focused and distracted all at the same time. maybe i just have to accept that my writing has changed, maybe i am just not inspired and have nothing to write about.
maybe it is not the meds at all, and i dont want to change with the change.
