new doctor, new tests

i started seeing my new endocrinologist. she thinks it is possible i have been mis-diagnosed and is sending me for a zillion tests. its a little overwhelming, and i have panic.

last night was odd. i was with J. we went out for dinner and drove around a bit. i showed him how the area has grown and changed, never for better.
we ended back at my place to waste some time and watch a movie.
then we went where we always go when we need to connect, with someone, anyone, each other. its like going home again, after not being there for so long. the smell is the same, the warm comfort and protection. you know what to expect. you know what will happen. you know the progression.
but as always, i know it is a bad idea. i tell myself it wont happen again, and we move on. but next week, next year, or in 5 years, you never know where either of us will be.
he lacks a filter.
i have excessive filter.
we want different things.

on thursday, i was diagnosed offically with PCOS.
in a way, i knew. i hoped and prayed the test results were going to be different, something curable. it is treatable, but not curable.

it is the explaination that i have been looking for, wrapped up in a neat little package. it does explain every symptom, everything that one might think are not related, but they are. from migraines, to high blood pressure, to depression, to weight, and everything in between, complete with gnarled-up insides.

i have to get further endocrine testing and balancing. i will tackle that next week.

time change.
throws everything off.

trusted with something that could ruin someone's life....interesting.

i woke up with a severe headache today. Wall Street and I both have migraines. i have been stressing a lot this week.
i am just not ready. i dont know if i ever will be. and i feel that they are ignoring the whole thing. i cannot be forced to make the next step. its too much pressure.

tomorrow will be one year since matthew died. a week later, everything else fell apart.
that gives me 8 days from now to make some decisions.

its almost october, and we are now in the "after"

in a little more then a month, it will be a year

more change coming
scenery.

today is the most boring day of the week...

not a love letter

it is interesting how you are keeping me close. your actions are careful. she thinks you love her. i know better. you are in a repeating cycle. i have been in this moment. i have been in the same shoes. one day i will really lose you. this will be actually be over. one of us will be lost or taken away, pushed or pulled. we will not be able to pretend anymore.

i am not patriotic. further more, i am offended by people who are fake-patriotic. i am tired of seeing shabby-chic american flag t-shirts, stars and stripes on flip-flops, and waving flags on the horizon that were not there on 9-10. i believe it is more offensive to all-of-a-sudden care about the country just because we were attacked, because, frankly, i am sure no one cared the day before.
dont get me wrong, i am not anti-american. i just hate fake people.
i was born here and will probably live here forever.



unless of course, i win some big lottery and get the chance to move to london.

do you ever sometimes think that life is just a series of events that merely repeat themselves until someone notices?

my grandmother is dying.
its slow, and demeaning. she is in denial and pretends she is fine.
she forgets her words, her phone number and where she is.
she looks for thing that arent there and waits for people that arent coming.
she makes up stories to replace lost time.
she is alone and she is sad.
she is not the same.
i miss her.

a means to an end

debts are considered satisfied, what left is there to hold on too?

i dont want to believe i held on for nothing.

the money is in the mail.
there will not be a meeting of the inevitable.
i am still sad.
i am not alone.

it is mother's day and my mother is in Italy. i do not want to call my grandmothers. R will just blow me off, and get off the phone by telling me she is on the other line. because everyone is more important.
G might not even know who i am, let alone hear my voice. she had a stroke last week in the grocery store with my aunt. she refused treatment and refused to go to the hospital. because she says she is "fine".
i promised myself that if she dies when my mother is away, i am not calling her. i am not going to ruin her vacation. there is nothing to do if someone is dead. there is no reason for her to come home early.

i am being avoided.
it is subtle and insignificant. but it is there.

avoidence.

i want to be angry and violent and mean. but i'm not because there is no point. i am too tired to fight this. perhaps that is the point, to tire me out.

but i am being avoided.
and i dont like it.

and i dont want it to be an excuse to no do the right thing.

new day, new view

today.
ah today.
i feel different today.
not better, not worse. just different.

work was the same. second work was the mostly the same with a few needed changes.

tomorrow, i will go to my parents for dinner. they are leaving on friday for 2 weeks.
jealous.

things i will never say to your face. at least not today...

there are things we think we will be able to do. until push comes to shove and we chicken out. there are a 1000 reasons why, but the biggest thing that stops anyone from doing anything is fear.
plain old, vanilla fear. the kind that consumes the moment. the kind that keeps you up at night and makes you exhausted after a while. the kind of fear you hope no one ever calls you out on.
and sometimes we aren't lucky and someone points it out.
and then we must face it, no matter how ugly, how mean, how sad or how life-altering. and with any shear luck, we face it successfully.
or you are just like me and take a xanax and try to forget about it. until today.
today, i had to face it. i had to not only face my own fear, but someone elses'. and the other persons fear was greater then mine and hidden behind a faux wall of confidence that fell without notice. this was not a surprise, but a disappointment. i realize that i have changed. my reactions have changed from disbelief to sadness. i just want so badly for you to just feel better. i always have. i want you to be able to achieve it and without apprehension and with unabandoned pride.
i want to feel better myself and i know sometimes, if not all the time, you think that i should feel better, that my sense of shock and my overwhelming sadness is too much and maybe you even wonder why i haven't moved on. i am sad because i have lost my best friend. the very person who has fought with me for 6 months not to give up and walk away and still clings to me in some way. and i fought back, kicking and screaming that that is not what i wanted and how can possibly be friends with you after everything that happened? and i hate that you were right. i want it. i want you in my life. and i am not ready to make any kind of move to get rid of you. you have offered to make a distance and told you no, please don't.
i meant what i said earlier today, i am not mad about your decision today. i just wish you had said it earlier, like last week and just gotten this all over with. i understand about bailing out. i panicked all weekend over it. i panicked about it for weeks previous when you first mentioned that you wanted to see me. i know you understand why i asked that you simply just sent it in the mail. and i know you understand why i picked a public place when it all came down to it. and i know why you didn't come here.
we are not OK. we are not happy. we are not content. i am sad and filled with the fear of the unknown and moving on and losing the little bit of you that i have left. i suspect you feel the same. paying me back for something that you agree to pay does not equal me walking away and leaving. i cant do that. i wouldn't even know how.
there are these moments that i just want you to walk in the door and come in and sit on the couch and watch TV with me. and we would say nothing about anything. i would make dinner and we would watch our favorite shows and i would ask a million questions and you wont answer until the commercial. then we would go to bed and you would hold my arm like you always did right before you fell asleep.
except now, i have taken up residency on the couch. and i don't go out much. and i lock every lock on the door. i am sure you are not surprised. i am pathetic.
i love you and i don't know how to stop.

doomsday

tomorrow.
ah, tomorrow. it will be the first time i will see him in almost 6 months.
i still cry at the drop of hat over the whole thing. sometimes, i just feel robbed. i have never been here. either i walked away completely, or was walked away from completely or was never really in love before. and this time, he is still around. he is in my head, in my email, calling my cell. he has not walked away, we just fell apart. and i fell apart. and i am just so tired of feeling this way.
why cant i just get over it?

its like for so long i was off. i didnt feel anything. i didnt get close to anyone. i stayed at a distance. but this time, i jumped in. i jumped in with my eyes closed. and i landed on my ass. and it hurts my heart so much, i just fake it to get through the day. and there he is, living with someone right after he left me. he is living with her and i should be happy that its shows he hasnt changed at all and she is the last in a line of people he has done the same thing too. but there is me, somewhere in the middle left behind. he came in and turned my life upside down and i let him. and i wanted him to be ok. and i wanted him to change. and i wanted to be the best for him. i wanted the best for him. when he went to school, we got through it because we were supposed to. he was not supposed to leave. he was not supposed to find someone else. i wanted to be the one to make the first move.
i only got the chance to make the last one. that day, i had it. i was tired of all of it.

sometimes i think that i made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up here. i dont remember signing up for this life. but it is mine and i am supposed to own it. but i am just tired of waiting to feel better.

run with it.
this time, this is for me.