i cant sleep with someone that i don't care about. i used to be the girl who had the corner on long term one night stands, and would party with the best of 'em. now, i cant sleep with just anyone. the last time J was here, we were together. and I love him. but it is a love that is old and worn and comfortable like a favorite tshirt. and sometimes you don't want to wear an old shirt. one day, you think you might give up the shirt and move on.
i realize that i just compared J to an old shirt. i am sure he would not care. the thing is, is that i am not in love with him. i have known him for a long time and we have been around for some really important things in our lives. but i am not in love with him and he is not in love with me and this will never change. we both want too many different things for ourselves and we want to pursue different avenues. we know this. but he is still my old tshirt, that sometimes i want to wear.
then there is N. volatile would have been the best word to describe it. until recently, we had not seen each other for 2 years and one week. 105 weeks. that is a lifetime. all the time, we still talked, kept in touch. when it ended, it was awful. awful. awful. i was not well. he was not well. and when you put that together, it can never be healthy. but we have spent the past 105+ weeks healing ourselves, putting our heads back together. we were never healthy together. we are now healthy apart, but neither is the result of the other. we were both broken when we got together, we never dated, we just jumped right in to playing house and it back fired.
we have seen each other all of once, and we talk often. the talking is different, good. i dont know what is going to happen, i cant even imagine. we have promised to keep talking, little by little and not jump into anything. we are going to see each other again, and we are not jumping into anything.

i have found that indifference is a hard thing for me to overcome. i have been feeling it lately regarding multiple things, some of which are things that i shouldnt be indifferent about. i should be able to pick a side, i should be able to be yes or no, i should be able to be happy or angry. but i'm not.
i am passive about it and could take it or leave it. i am not going to blame the meds, but maybe i am just tired of making decisions. maybe i am just tired. maybe i really just done care about these things at this time.
that would be sad.
i hope i just need a nap.

7 months ago, i was not being treated for depression. i was in a rather low period, listless, and i got upset all the time- usually over nothing, or something-depending on how you look at it.
now, i have been on an anti-depressant med since my birthday. the first week was pretty bad, i had trouble sleeping, concentrating and eating. that has all passed. i function pretty well, i still have bad days, but those days aren't as bad as they used to be and i feel what i guess is supposed to be normal. i am not too sure what 'normal' is supposed to feel like, as i have never really had that, but this is what i think it is. does that even make sense?
anyway, the only real side effect that i miss from my depression is my writing. i have the most difficult time writing like i used too. dont get me wrong, emotionally i feel better, i dont cry at the stupid shit. but i dont also feel like i used too.
i cry at funerals. i cry at sad movies, i cry at appropiate times. i laugh at jokes and funny things and with my friends. i am content at the inbetween and get annoyed at the annoying and feel joy at the joyful.
but i can't write. not like i used to. and i miss it. i am not sure that this is the effect of the meds or that i am actually better, out of the low. my mind still races through thoughts that have nothing to do with the moment at hand until i have to. its really hard to explain, but it goes something like this:
at a traffic light while driving and stop the car
waiting for light
want a nap, want to cuddle, but there is no one at home to cuddle with
i love coffee
Bean tells funny jokes
His sister is super pretty for a baby
what would happen if the road was struck by lightening
light is still red
i have to go the doctor for something or other
i havent talked to crystal in months
i wonder if the finance database cannot read the all overpayment recovery functions
light is green-go.
i know that doesn't make sense. it makes me sound crazy. even as i write this, i looked to the right and see a book that i say to myself "i want to read that". i am completely focused and distracted all at the same time. maybe i just have to accept that my writing has changed, maybe i am just not inspired and have nothing to write about.
maybe it is not the meds at all, and i dont want to change with the change.

i have been so tired this week.

another dr appt, new perscriptions.
what else is new?

this weekend was rough.
i am tired and cant seem to shake it.
i have some pain in my lower abdomen, on the left side.

this is the last week of the higher dose estrogen pill, so some of the daily discomfort should subside in a few weeks. i also added extra vitamin E to my regimine, which is supposed to help with the insulin resistance.

i am going to take my time with things this week. i have to just remember that i cannot do everything at once.

highs and lows

today is a bad day.
i am out of sorts with a headache.
i am dropping things and have a lot of discomfort.
it will get better. it has to get better.
but this is what happens, good yesterday, bad today.
work today, then dinner with my sister.
i want today to end better.

life is full circle/ the clouds are sometimes faster then we are

this morning, i woke up a little groggy, wanting a cup of coffee and a shower.
i have to leave for work soon and i still have to get ready, but i am here, writing this instead.

life is becoming full circle. things that have happened before, are happening again. and this time i feel like an adult, not a blithering idiot. work is stable. medically, i am stable. mentally, i am stable. i find that i am making better decisions as the past becomes the present.
maybe that is the point of it all.
some people believe in reincarnation.
but maybe it is during this life that we are the reincarnate of an earlier version of ourselves as we realize that nothing is new, everything has happened before and it will happen again, and how we react to something is the real task at hand.
you can never move on and will repeat life over and over until you get it right.

meds meds and more meds

i have been on the new meds for 2 weeks. i am taking metformin for insulin resistance and a high-dose estrogen pill to try to induce a period. i haven't had one in almost a year. my doc is giving it 2 months and if it doesn't work, i have to have the biopsy. i really do not want the biopsy.
but she thinks that the combo of the 2 new meds will get the result necessary, since reducing the IR is supposed to help also. the goal is to build up the endometrial lining.
for 2 weeks i had the normal side effect from adjusting new meds that tapered off during the past week.
today, i feel like a train hit me. i want to lay in my bed, curled up in a ball with a heating pad.
instead i am going to work.
at least the rest of the week is low impact.

old ghosts have decided to return....trouble in paradise, perhaps.

yesterday was my birthday.
i celebrated by buying new sneakers, a few shirts, napping, doing some laundry and starting taking lexapro.
12 hours in and i havent slept well and i am hot and sweaty. and i have a headache.
i promised to give it 2 weeks. right now i am banking on one.

i ended last year by taking 1 little medication, so far, i am up to 3. i have another appointment with the endo doc and i will probably end up on one more.

i do not have diabetes, high cholesterol, or a tumor.
i do not have an under or over-active thyroid.
i do not have late onset adrenal hyperplasia or pituitary dysfunction.
i do not have kidney disease, liver disease or celiac disease.
i do not have Cushing's, Addison's or a metobolic disorder.

i do not produce enough progesterone and am at high risk for endometrial cancer.
i may never have children.