and within one week... he wants back in.
i am weird about it. i am not sure how i feel about it.
i am going to try to keep a distance from it right now.
i just need to regroup and decide how i want to proceed.

why are boys so dumb?

not quite so close

I am alone. I mean, like alone alone. I have ended the whatever thing fling I had with N. It had to end. it was never going to be what either of us wanted. I wanted more. he wanted less. someone was bound to get hurt. So, i took it on, hurt myself and ended it.
i like to believe he is hurt too. because somewhere in his head, he cares enough to hurt.
but distance makes things convoluted.
i will get past this. i have to trust that i will.
how do you delete someone from your life? well, there was that movie ''eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'', but in the end i want to hold the good parts, give away the rest. this is not a balanced list. the bad always outweighed the good.
I dont even know if I will call him one of my 'great loves' one day.
for now, he and i are not speaking. its easier.
i dont know that i ever will talk to him again. we tried distance before. we found each other again in a text message or an email about some inside thing that no one is privy to.
now i will wait.
to feel better
to fall down
to get up
to move on

these are strange times we are in...

i never realized what i say. most times i feel like i just spew words and they fall where they may. i never know (care) how words will effect someone.
sometimes my words can hurt.
sometimes a person might carry what i say around with them for years and draw from it, getting their own strength from it.
I just found out that the latter can happen. literally... like 10 minutes ago.
I just spoke to someone who said that to me and thanked me for being quietly supportive of them for years.

its really kinda strange

May Day! May Day!

Yesterday was May 1st, also known as May Day. A simple google search will erupt a collection of tales and myths that have guided May Day in becoming a holiday to some and a religious day to others. And still to others, it is the day of semblance to the 8 hour work day.

From here on in, May Day will now also be known as the day my sister's best friend died. Cara was scuba diving off the Barnegat Light coast and something went terribly wrong. Probably equipment failure of some sort. The Coast Guard is investigating. She is as Southern Ocean County Hospital, where an autopsy will take place. She did not have family in NJ and my sister was the one that got the call that something happened. She called Cara's family. No one ever wants to make that call.

My sister cries when the kids aren't looking. She distracts herself when they are.
Her heart hurts. Mine hurts for her.