New week.
Deep breath.

In My Mind.... Amanda Palmer (i am putting this here so I never forget it)

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm a hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hungover

Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how
To see
That I'm not exactly the person that I thought I'd be.

And in my mind
In the far-away here-and-now
I've become in-control somehow
And I never lose my wallet

Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never fucking-up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how
To see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be.

And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful,
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now

I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
That that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
That I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't want to be the person that I want to be.

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid,
Saying, "I haven't finished yet,
I still have a tattoo to get,
It says, 'I'm living in the moment'".

And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this win-less fight
Maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I want to live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually
See

That I am exactly the person that I want to be.

Fuck yes.

I am exactly the person that I want to be.

like an old friend, familiar. comfortable. safe.

its been almost a year since I was here.
changes- not much, too much, something in between.

my health is same, stagnant, still, silly, status quo. I have been at the same weight since the holidays, meds have not changed and i hear the same thing from every doctor; all though i dropped my shrink. my surgeon thinks i should go back. he is not as warm and fuzzy as the previous dr. he is good, thorough, but the bedside manner is lacking.

new job, new challenge, same pay. it will result in a better opportunity for me in the long run, i had to run with it. and left my second job. cause it was killing me.

and N is back. sort of. I dont know what I want. I dont know the right move to make. the ball is my court... so to speak. well... i think it is anyway.




i need to find my focus on me. i lost it somewhere along the way, taking care of the Ts.
even though i miss her too....

the memories hurt, but i am not a coward

9 years ago, the world changed. our world anyway. the skyline would never be the same as we, here on the north east coast, know it.
I was not here when the attack happened. I was in the happiest place on earth, waking up with a cup of coffee watching the news.
a few days later, we drove home from florida in a surreal silence, with a nod to others on the same route and a quite sky.
9 years later, our lives have gone on to our daily ins and outs that we muddle through. this year is a little different. there is a lot of blah blah blah on the news about a pastor that wants to burn the Qu'ran, and a mosque that is going to be build in the same space that is considered sacred to many people, especially those affected by a day that we will never forget.
I want to be angry, and scream and yell and be mad and defend the rights of our land and our people. but I will not do that.

It will make me a coward.

I take the rather vocal stance of understanding and wanting to rise above. I do not think the book-burning pastor is right. If he were to carry out his act of anger, he would be no better then the people that planned and carried out the attacks. I also kind of like the idea of a mosque being built in a place that is sacred. we cannot blame an entire religion for those acts of the extremists, when extremists exist in all cultures and faiths.
the whole idea of the hate being thrown around lately is just ignorant. plain and simple. no one ever takes the time to understand something in a whole and only want to focus on the hate.

hate will eat you alive. it will spoil your insides and rot you from within. and if you let hate win, you are in line with the hate the caused the attacks in the first place.
don't misunderstand, i am saddened and altered by the attacks that took place. but i will not let it consume me and i will not let hate take over my life.
i am also very aware that perhaps i feel this way because i dont know anyone that lost their life that day. the one person i know that worked there, got out. he is still here, living his life.

one month later...

it has been one month since my surgery, and i have never felt better. there are even times i forget it happened until i see the incisions, which are still healing.

surgery day was long. i was scheduled at 2pm, and ended up getting pushed to 4 due to an emergency somewhere else.
the surgery was perfect, so i was told. the anesthesia, on the other hand... different story. it took my forever to wake up and when i did, i was having panic attacks. I had 3 that I remember, but once i was able to open my eyes and listen to the nurse, i got better.
the feeling that i couldnt move or talk or express or ask for my mom or say that i was in pain was overwhelming.
once i was release from the hospital, i stayed at my parents house for 2 days until i got tired of them/felt good enough to be alone.
everyday after i got a little better, it took a good week before i felt semi-normal and another week to realize i was not sore anymore. its been a month and i feel pretty good. i still get tired earlier at night that i used to, but that gets better with time and adding physical activity. i would like my long term stamina to rival that of a 5 year old. i know, its a lot to ask since i am much much older then a 5 year old.
i am going back to my second job soon, one week away. i am not looking forward to it, but i need the money. my bank account is suffering a recession in the worst way.

for now, i will continue to take my time and just be kind to myself.

T-Minus whatever you want

i am in countdown-mode

i decided that i needed to make a list of all things that need to be done around here before surgery. i am 19 days away. Today is my last day at the store for the rest of the summer.
I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!
when i first started this journey, it seemed endless. now, i can see the end, it is in sight. it is coming. and the end of this is also the begining of something new.
i have questions that will be answered over time. i am sure that i am not the only one who has ever thought of this stuff.

• will i have regrets
• will i lose the weight constantly or sporatic
• will i eventually stop taking all the meds, or at least cut back
• will i be happy with the results
• will i stick out like a sore thumb at events, like thanksgiving
• how much is a new wardrobe really going to cost
• will i see a difference in how i paint my toenails, take a shower, sleep, sit in the car
• where will i get my daily willpower when i start to lose my focus
• will i even lose my focus
• will i have more energy to do things that i refrain from now
• will i change who i am, how i react, how i treat people, my values, my core, my loves

i dont expect to have all the answers now, or even ever. but i just need to know that i will satisfied. i dont want to be consumed by this. food has been in charge for my whole life and now it is not. or i just think it is not.

why boys are dumb

i have answered my question from a week ago. boys are dumb. there is no real answer, there is no 'one' thing or reason why. they just are. and good boys admit it, and dumbest boys dont know how. just dumb.

i decided i am going to write an essay, it might become a novella, or even a book. details in the future.