the memories hurt, but i am not a coward

9 years ago, the world changed. our world anyway. the skyline would never be the same as we, here on the north east coast, know it.
I was not here when the attack happened. I was in the happiest place on earth, waking up with a cup of coffee watching the news.
a few days later, we drove home from florida in a surreal silence, with a nod to others on the same route and a quite sky.
9 years later, our lives have gone on to our daily ins and outs that we muddle through. this year is a little different. there is a lot of blah blah blah on the news about a pastor that wants to burn the Qu'ran, and a mosque that is going to be build in the same space that is considered sacred to many people, especially those affected by a day that we will never forget.
I want to be angry, and scream and yell and be mad and defend the rights of our land and our people. but I will not do that.

It will make me a coward.

I take the rather vocal stance of understanding and wanting to rise above. I do not think the book-burning pastor is right. If he were to carry out his act of anger, he would be no better then the people that planned and carried out the attacks. I also kind of like the idea of a mosque being built in a place that is sacred. we cannot blame an entire religion for those acts of the extremists, when extremists exist in all cultures and faiths.
the whole idea of the hate being thrown around lately is just ignorant. plain and simple. no one ever takes the time to understand something in a whole and only want to focus on the hate.

hate will eat you alive. it will spoil your insides and rot you from within. and if you let hate win, you are in line with the hate the caused the attacks in the first place.
don't misunderstand, i am saddened and altered by the attacks that took place. but i will not let it consume me and i will not let hate take over my life.
i am also very aware that perhaps i feel this way because i dont know anyone that lost their life that day. the one person i know that worked there, got out. he is still here, living his life.

one month later...

it has been one month since my surgery, and i have never felt better. there are even times i forget it happened until i see the incisions, which are still healing.

surgery day was long. i was scheduled at 2pm, and ended up getting pushed to 4 due to an emergency somewhere else.
the surgery was perfect, so i was told. the anesthesia, on the other hand... different story. it took my forever to wake up and when i did, i was having panic attacks. I had 3 that I remember, but once i was able to open my eyes and listen to the nurse, i got better.
the feeling that i couldnt move or talk or express or ask for my mom or say that i was in pain was overwhelming.
once i was release from the hospital, i stayed at my parents house for 2 days until i got tired of them/felt good enough to be alone.
everyday after i got a little better, it took a good week before i felt semi-normal and another week to realize i was not sore anymore. its been a month and i feel pretty good. i still get tired earlier at night that i used to, but that gets better with time and adding physical activity. i would like my long term stamina to rival that of a 5 year old. i know, its a lot to ask since i am much much older then a 5 year old.
i am going back to my second job soon, one week away. i am not looking forward to it, but i need the money. my bank account is suffering a recession in the worst way.

for now, i will continue to take my time and just be kind to myself.

T-Minus whatever you want

i am in countdown-mode

i decided that i needed to make a list of all things that need to be done around here before surgery. i am 19 days away. Today is my last day at the store for the rest of the summer.
I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!
when i first started this journey, it seemed endless. now, i can see the end, it is in sight. it is coming. and the end of this is also the begining of something new.
i have questions that will be answered over time. i am sure that i am not the only one who has ever thought of this stuff.

• will i have regrets
• will i lose the weight constantly or sporatic
• will i eventually stop taking all the meds, or at least cut back
• will i be happy with the results
• will i stick out like a sore thumb at events, like thanksgiving
• how much is a new wardrobe really going to cost
• will i see a difference in how i paint my toenails, take a shower, sleep, sit in the car
• where will i get my daily willpower when i start to lose my focus
• will i even lose my focus
• will i have more energy to do things that i refrain from now
• will i change who i am, how i react, how i treat people, my values, my core, my loves

i dont expect to have all the answers now, or even ever. but i just need to know that i will satisfied. i dont want to be consumed by this. food has been in charge for my whole life and now it is not. or i just think it is not.

why boys are dumb

i have answered my question from a week ago. boys are dumb. there is no real answer, there is no 'one' thing or reason why. they just are. and good boys admit it, and dumbest boys dont know how. just dumb.

i decided i am going to write an essay, it might become a novella, or even a book. details in the future.

and within one week... he wants back in.
i am weird about it. i am not sure how i feel about it.
i am going to try to keep a distance from it right now.
i just need to regroup and decide how i want to proceed.

why are boys so dumb?

not quite so close

I am alone. I mean, like alone alone. I have ended the whatever thing fling I had with N. It had to end. it was never going to be what either of us wanted. I wanted more. he wanted less. someone was bound to get hurt. So, i took it on, hurt myself and ended it.
i like to believe he is hurt too. because somewhere in his head, he cares enough to hurt.
but distance makes things convoluted.
i will get past this. i have to trust that i will.
how do you delete someone from your life? well, there was that movie ''eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'', but in the end i want to hold the good parts, give away the rest. this is not a balanced list. the bad always outweighed the good.
I dont even know if I will call him one of my 'great loves' one day.
for now, he and i are not speaking. its easier.
i dont know that i ever will talk to him again. we tried distance before. we found each other again in a text message or an email about some inside thing that no one is privy to.
now i will wait.
to feel better
to fall down
to get up
to move on

these are strange times we are in...

i never realized what i say. most times i feel like i just spew words and they fall where they may. i never know (care) how words will effect someone.
sometimes my words can hurt.
sometimes a person might carry what i say around with them for years and draw from it, getting their own strength from it.
I just found out that the latter can happen. literally... like 10 minutes ago.
I just spoke to someone who said that to me and thanked me for being quietly supportive of them for years.

its really kinda strange

May Day! May Day!

Yesterday was May 1st, also known as May Day. A simple google search will erupt a collection of tales and myths that have guided May Day in becoming a holiday to some and a religious day to others. And still to others, it is the day of semblance to the 8 hour work day.

From here on in, May Day will now also be known as the day my sister's best friend died. Cara was scuba diving off the Barnegat Light coast and something went terribly wrong. Probably equipment failure of some sort. The Coast Guard is investigating. She is as Southern Ocean County Hospital, where an autopsy will take place. She did not have family in NJ and my sister was the one that got the call that something happened. She called Cara's family. No one ever wants to make that call.

My sister cries when the kids aren't looking. She distracts herself when they are.
Her heart hurts. Mine hurts for her.

Chalk

sometimes, i forget how to do this.
i forget how to write and write like i used to. i could certainly chalk this up to being busy, working 2 jobs and more doctors appts then i can keep up with sometimes. i could also chalk this up to the medications, which i am more inclined to do.
the creativity has not left, but the means to get it from my head to paper have changed. most days i feel like i cant make sense of the noise in my head, and it drifts faster then i can remember it. I have racing memories before i sleep most nights where not one thought has to do anythig with the next. i have been having vivid dreams lately, but i dont remember most of them. on the suggestion of my shrink, i might start writing them down to see what comes of them. then again, i might not, i don't know that i want to know about them.
this week, i have 3 doctor appt and 2 more the following week. On top of that, I am working 15 hours at the store and my regular job. I have decided that I am going to take off a month from the store, 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after the surgery. i just need to see how I am going to feel. not knowing, i dont want to push myself and make myself more tired then i think i am already going to be. my parents have decided that they want to pay for the protein drinks i have to take before the surgery. they are kind of pricy, so i am thankful for the help. it is also their way of showing me that they are on board with the whole thing. I am going to need their help after, although i am sure it will come in the form of my mother carting me around and taking care of me.
i have cleaned my kitchen as much as i can tonight and I am getting myself ready for work tomorrow.

I have to go paint my toenails.

I am a work-in-progress, an ever-changing, never-ending project.

The person I am today, may not be the same person I am in a year, or even 6 months. I used to think that was scary. Today, I am excited for the change. Who ever knew I would feel this way?

when you're a jet, you're a jet all the way

sometimes the right thing to do is to get involved.

Last night, I made my way to New Brunswick, where I saw Jesus Christ Superstar at The State Theatre with Panda.

That sentence says alot.

I haven't seen Panda in years...years! A couple of years ago, she found me because I never changed my cell number. We have spend time talking and catching up and finding our friendship again. Last night was the first time I saw her and her mom since I lived there, which was over 5 years ago.
When I lived in New Brunswick, I had a love/hate relationship with the city, with my roommates, with myself. Last time I saw Jesus Christ Superstar was even longer ago and I am pretty sure it was when I lived with my parents briefly between places.
JCSS is interesting to me. I have listened to the soundtrack for years... since I was a little girl sitting in my parents living room, playing the first edition record and learning every word. When I struggled with my faith and questioned everything I was raised to believe, I still listened. When my beliefs changed as a grew up and became more about faith instead of regimented teachings, I still listened.

Little did I know how much I needed to see Panda, to see JCSS, to go somewhere and be at peace with my surroundings. It was great. It ended earlier then I would have liked, but I was so tired and needed to go to bed. This was not a one-time deal. I am going to make it a point to go there again, to see my friend again.

A was someone that I loved once like he was family, it was simple and firm. We were kindred spirits that finished each others sentences and ordered the same thing for dinner.

Then, once upon a time, he got sick, and I became sad. We went into two different directions and led our two different lives. Over time, I thought about A from time to time but I didn't know how to find him. I kept myself busy with work, sleep, work, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat etc. Many years went by and I found myself to be older, and little smarter and not so sad.

And one day, A found me. It was by chance he saw a mutual friend at a random bar on a random night. He is a new and improved version of the boy I once loved like family. We are older, wiser, and a little more tired.

This is the kind of thing that makes me wonder... are there people you are just meant to have in your life at a given time, for a given time, or for long term? Was the randomness really so random? We choose our friends, good or bad. Sometimes they drift and we move on.
Then sometimes they come back, good or bad, they come back and we choose to take them back or push them away. Sometimes you get someone back you never imagine will be there again. Those ones are the most important.

is there difference between fear and solitude?

Harbinger

I have always loved that word. even more since Kara Thrace was called the "harbinger of death" in BSG. it has a powerful connotation, almost messiah-like, and it can lead people in the wrong direction, or the right one.