i cant sleep with someone that i don't care about. i used to be the girl who had the corner on long term one night stands, and would party with the best of 'em. now, i cant sleep with just anyone. the last time J was here, we were together. and I love him. but it is a love that is old and worn and comfortable like a favorite tshirt. and sometimes you don't want to wear an old shirt. one day, you think you might give up the shirt and move on.
i realize that i just compared J to an old shirt. i am sure he would not care. the thing is, is that i am not in love with him. i have known him for a long time and we have been around for some really important things in our lives. but i am not in love with him and he is not in love with me and this will never change. we both want too many different things for ourselves and we want to pursue different avenues. we know this. but he is still my old tshirt, that sometimes i want to wear.
then there is N. volatile would have been the best word to describe it. until recently, we had not seen each other for 2 years and one week. 105 weeks. that is a lifetime. all the time, we still talked, kept in touch. when it ended, it was awful. awful. awful. i was not well. he was not well. and when you put that together, it can never be healthy. but we have spent the past 105+ weeks healing ourselves, putting our heads back together. we were never healthy together. we are now healthy apart, but neither is the result of the other. we were both broken when we got together, we never dated, we just jumped right in to playing house and it back fired.
we have seen each other all of once, and we talk often. the talking is different, good. i dont know what is going to happen, i cant even imagine. we have promised to keep talking, little by little and not jump into anything. we are going to see each other again, and we are not jumping into anything.