there are things we think we will be able to do. until push comes to shove and we chicken out. there are a 1000 reasons why, but the biggest thing that stops anyone from doing anything is fear.
plain old, vanilla fear. the kind that consumes the moment. the kind that keeps you up at night and makes you exhausted after a while. the kind of fear you hope no one ever calls you out on.
and sometimes we aren't lucky and someone points it out.
and then we must face it, no matter how ugly, how mean, how sad or how life-altering. and with any shear luck, we face it successfully.
or you are just like me and take a xanax and try to forget about it. until today.
today, i had to face it. i had to not only face my own fear, but someone elses'. and the other persons fear was greater then mine and hidden behind a faux wall of confidence that fell without notice. this was not a surprise, but a disappointment. i realize that i have changed. my reactions have changed from disbelief to sadness. i just want so badly for you to just feel better. i always have. i want you to be able to achieve it and without apprehension and with unabandoned pride.
i want to feel better myself and i know sometimes, if not all the time, you think that i should feel better, that my sense of shock and my overwhelming sadness is too much and maybe you even wonder why i haven't moved on. i am sad because i have lost my best friend. the very person who has fought with me for 6 months not to give up and walk away and still clings to me in some way. and i fought back, kicking and screaming that that is not what i wanted and how can possibly be friends with you after everything that happened? and i hate that you were right. i want it. i want you in my life. and i am not ready to make any kind of move to get rid of you. you have offered to make a distance and told you no, please don't.
i meant what i said earlier today, i am not mad about your decision today. i just wish you had said it earlier, like last week and just gotten this all over with. i understand about bailing out. i panicked all weekend over it. i panicked about it for weeks previous when you first mentioned that you wanted to see me. i know you understand why i asked that you simply just sent it in the mail. and i know you understand why i picked a public place when it all came down to it. and i know why you didn't come here.
we are not OK. we are not happy. we are not content. i am sad and filled with the fear of the unknown and moving on and losing the little bit of you that i have left. i suspect you feel the same. paying me back for something that you agree to pay does not equal me walking away and leaving. i cant do that. i wouldn't even know how.
there are these moments that i just want you to walk in the door and come in and sit on the couch and watch TV with me. and we would say nothing about anything. i would make dinner and we would watch our favorite shows and i would ask a million questions and you wont answer until the commercial. then we would go to bed and you would hold my arm like you always did right before you fell asleep.
except now, i have taken up residency on the couch. and i don't go out much. and i lock every lock on the door. i am sure you are not surprised. i am pathetic.
i love you and i don't know how to stop.
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